Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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