seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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