Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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