I need help removing her.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
