So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
