white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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