If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
