So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
