Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
