These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
