cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize