we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Randomize
