I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
