the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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