this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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