Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
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