hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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