Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
