my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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