When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
