So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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