I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
