ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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