Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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