so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
