i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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