I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
