I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
