Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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