I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
