There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
