then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
