Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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