apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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