Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
my being single is dangerous.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize