Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize