The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
