Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
