totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
