I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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