That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
