I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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