i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Randomize
