If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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