I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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