my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
