The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
