I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
