I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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