he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
