twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
