there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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