You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
