I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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