im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
