Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
