The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
